How to be academic adminstrator

This week how to conduct a plagiarism interview: The subject in this case is Mr Noel Gallagher, musician with the popular beat combo Oasis.

Plagiarism Interview Meeting on 24 June 2009 (In Association with our Sponsors, the Ministry of Defence)

Venue: Room 101, Trident Tower (formerly Lehman Bros House)

Present:
Dr J. Spac (Lecturer in Chaos Theory and Practice), Chair
Dr Margaret Smug (Lecturer in World Domination and Bedsit Studies)
Dr Elaine Fulsome (Lecturer in anything that makes me popular)
Dr J. Bogger, U PONCE (University Policy Officer for Navel Contemplation & Evaluation) (formerly Head of Department)
Mr Noel Gallagher, Student and part time Musician (BA Music and Vandalism)


The Chair welcomed all those present and explained the purpose of the meeting

CHAIR: Mr Gallagher, you realise why you are here?

NOEL G: Yeah right.

CHAIR: I, as chair of the meeting, am here to bring an, er… OASIS of calm to the proceedings, if you get my meaning.

ALL: Groan.

NOEL G: F*!¬ Off.

CHAIR: Quite. Now let us get down to business. You are under investigation for possible plagiarism. As you realise this is a very serious offence and if found guilty you could face a range of penalties, including a severe tongue lashing from Dr Smug; a fine of up to 10p (repayable interest-free over 5 years); and even a suspension from your studies for up to one day, most likely a Saturday or a Sunday.

NOEL G: Yeah right.

CHAIR: The essence the charge is that your previous output is not entirely original work. Evidence has been found with the help of TURNITIN plagiarism detection software of extensive copying from two earlier scholars, Messieurs Lennon and McCartney, who apparently published extensively back in the 1960s, particularly in the Liverpool area. Do you understand the charge?

NOEL G: Yeah right.

CHAIR: Unfortunately it has not been possible to speak to or communicate directly with these writers, on account of one of them being physically dead and the other being musically dead. Nevertheless, we have managed to obtain a considerable of amount of information on their output. This has involved much searching around and I would particularly like to thank Dr Fulsome in this regard.

DR FULSOME: Awh Shucks it was nothing.

CHAIR: Dr Fulsome has managed to establish that some of the works produced by these gentleman are still available both in a few specialist emporiums, such as Boots, WH Smith, HMV, Woolworths (continues for several minutes naming every other high street retail outlet) and on the odd 25 million or so web sites. Therefore the Committee concludes that on the balance of probability it is possible you could have had access to this material.

NOEL G: Yeah right.

CHAIR: That does not, of course, mean that you have used any of the material improperly and that is what we must now investigate carefully. To do this we must rigorously follow the University Code of Practice. When we sent you the interview letter we drew particular attention to Sections 4.3.2.7.a; Section 6.4.7.3 (2), Appendix I; Section 5.7.3.8 (subsection 4) continues in same vein for several minutes

DR BOGGER: Oh God! Wake me up when he’s finished.

CHAIR: Dr Bogger, please try and concentrate

DR BOGGER: zzzzz

CHAIR: Subsection, 8.4.9.2; Section 3.7.4.8(3)……….

DR BOGGER: Sod it I’m off to the bar.

(Dr Bogger adjourned from the hearing at this point to attend an urgent meeting in Staff House)

CHAIR: Section 4.3.2.1; Section Clickity-click 66 (subsection 4) continues in same vein for several hours……….and finally section 9.11.

CHAIR: Unfortunately, however, since sending Mr Gallagher the investigation letter a week ago, the University has again revised the Code of Practice on Plagiarism…well actually it’s revised it twice, to version 493 - in the light of the recent court case. We are therefore obliged to follow the provisions of the new code. Before I identify which sections we need to refer to, it would be useful to have the relevant document to hand. The code now runs to a mere 250,000 pages but with the assistance of this hydraulic crane I should be able to get it up on the desk. Now if I just manoeuvre it up carefully…

DR FULSOME: Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

CHAIR: Whoops, sorry. I did wonder if the cable would be strong enough.

DR FULSOME: Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(At this point a team of emergency paramedics entered the room to help Dr Fulsome away. It was later reported that she would make a full recovery)

CHAIR: Well never mind, we are still quorate and that’s the main thing.

Dr SMUG: We certainly are!

CHAIR: We therefore turn to the substance of the case against you Mr Gallagher as revealed by our investigation. With the help of the plagiarism detection software we ascertained that many of the notes in the works of those Liverpool composers – what were their names again – Lemon and Macarthy – bore an uncanny resemblance to the notes in your own work. What do you have to say to that?

NOEL G: Well of course some of the f*!@ing notes are the same. How many bl#*@ing notes do you think there are out there! We can’t all use different ones. A, B, C, D, E, F, G – Not a bloody big choice is it!

CHAIR: But a lot of people think the tunes on your records sound very much like theirs as well?

NOEL G: Well all our f*!~+in records sound the same but the mugs still buy them

CHAIR: True. I believe we now have to call a witness?

(At this point the widow of Mr J. Lennon joined the proceedings)

ALL: O No!

CHAIR: Please that is a very old Yok(e). Can we get back to the business in hand?

MRS LENNON: Harro…I have a message from John. He still loves you; he misses you and thinks about you. John expresses his love through love poem, which I have composed on his behalf. It is free expression poem, with 367 verses, it goes…….

CHAIR (interrupts): Er…yes thanks but we are in a bit of hurry anything else

MRS LENNON: Aaah, Ya……Letter from lawyer suing Mr Gallagher for £300 million for copyright infringement. Happy Karma.

NOEL G: F*#K Off.

Dr SMUG (for it is she): Never mind about all that. What I want to know is why Mr Gallagher hasn’t given me access to all of his courses on WEB CT. And don’t say you forgot! You know I am the WEB CT co-ordinator. This should be your top priority! If I don’t get access straight away I’ve a good mind to….

NOEL G: F!*@ Off .

CHAIR: Well said Noel….Oops!

Dr SMUG: How dare you! You’re just trying to make me feel small! Well it is not going to work!

(At this point Dr Smug pulled out a machine gun and terminated the proceedings, as well as everyone else present. The Meeting concluded…..At a subsequent meeting of the University Misconduct Committee Dr Smug was let off with a warning and promoted to Senior Lecturer for services to music)

THE END